Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Avoid the number 51 if possible on Friday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Alicia Silverstone and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Thursday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.