Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Chuck Yeager and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Beethoven, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 41, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. On Saturday, the number 1 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.