Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Tuesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.