Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd September 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Thursday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color green. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. On Thursday night you will dream of being Michael Landon. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. A man connected with the number 56 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.