Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th November 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You will go to an auction on Tuesday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. If you see anybody this week who looks like Oprah Winfrey, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.