Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Saturday who looks at all like Louis Pasteur, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.