Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th November 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A pretty young woman connected to the number 44 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. In a parallel universe you were born as Charlie Brown. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Wednesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not William Shakespeare, Something about the number 83 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You are not Elizabeth Taylor, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like John Katz. Does this matter? Only time will tell. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Sunday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.