Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Don't leave your house on Wednesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.