Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A man connected with the number 20 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Norman Rockwell, Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like David Beckham then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.