Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Sunday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 49 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.