Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd June 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Bill Gates. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Avoid the number 60 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Vincent Van Gogh, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.