Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th June 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. On Thursday, the color white, the number 11 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing black. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.