Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th May 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). The number 16 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. On Saturday, the color black, the number 68 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 47, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Tuesday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.