The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug
July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 44 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Liberace a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Sunday, September 22, 2019
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd September 2019
The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ben Franklin and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Michelle Bachman and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ben Franklin and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Michelle Bachman and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th September 2019
The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Lucille Ball and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Avoid the number 92 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. On Friday night you will dream of being Mother Teresa. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 66. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a parallel universe you were born as Paul McCartney. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Lucille Ball and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Avoid the number 92 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. On Friday night you will dream of being Mother Teresa. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 66. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a parallel universe you were born as Paul McCartney. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you make an appointment on Wednesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Sunday, September 8, 2019
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th September 2019
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. On Thursday, the color pink, the number 36 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Sigourney Weaver in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Something about the number 6 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. On Thursday, the color pink, the number 36 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Sigourney Weaver in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Something about the number 6 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
Sunday, September 1, 2019
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd September 2019
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Avoid the number 79 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A man connected with the number 77 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charlie Brown. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Avoid the number 79 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You will bump into a Mussel on Friday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A man connected with the number 77 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Charlie Brown. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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