Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd September 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ben Franklin and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Wednesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Michelle Bachman and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.