Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th September 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Wednesday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 44 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Liberace a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.