Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th September 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. On Thursday, the color pink, the number 36 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Sigourney Weaver in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Something about the number 6 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.