Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. The number 31 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. On Sunday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. On Wednesday, the number 44 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.