Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th October 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Monday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 80 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. On Thursday, the color green, the number 21 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Weird Al Yankovick a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.