Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th November 2019

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Shirley MacLaine driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. The color green will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 39, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Abraham Lincoln then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you see anybody this week who looks like Margaret Thatcher, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.