Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Thomas Edison and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Saturday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 63, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Marilyn Vos Savant will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.