Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Michael Landon, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Something about the number 3 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Jim Carrey driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Oprah Winfrey will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Danny Glover, Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Shirley MacLaine. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.