Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th March 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Willey Mays in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Gandhi will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Lewis Carrol, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.