A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Friday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Martin Luther King, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Saturday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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