Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd August 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Saturday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Neil Armstrong, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Something about the number 98 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.