You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 40, the color green and someone who has a connection to Tom Hanks will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Saturday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 9. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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