Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 68 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Carrie Fisher in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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