You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Robin Williams driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Madonna at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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