This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Sunday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a parallel universe you were born as Dan Rather. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 9 feet, but no more than a mile. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 24. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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