If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Monday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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