Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Get out and enjoy life on Tuesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Monday night you will dream of being Cleopatra. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Should you wear green on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. The number 47 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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