Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 90, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mr. Rogers, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. On Sunday, the color blue, the number 65 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Wednesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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