Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Sunday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 1 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Doris Day and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Pablo Piccaso, A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Saturday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. On Sunday, the number 62 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Tuesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A pretty young woman connected to the number 56 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 20 feet, but no more than a mile. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.

The Slug July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Eddie Murphy in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Michelle Bachman, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th March 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Walter Cronkite, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 69. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! On Sunday, the number 38 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 92, the color green and someone who has a connection to James Dean will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A man connected with the number 32 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.