Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Walter Cronkite, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 69. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Sunday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! On Sunday, the number 38 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 92, the color green and someone who has a connection to James Dean will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A man connected with the number 32 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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