Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Sunday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 1 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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