Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th April 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 20, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Newt Gingrich will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Isaac Newton then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Sunday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A man connected with the number 53 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th April 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. On Saturday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Magic Johnson, The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Get the guys or girls around your place on Wednesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 61 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th April

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. The color white will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 62, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 46 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th April 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Sunday night you will dream of being Columbus. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Yogi Berra at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something about the number 95 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.