Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Friday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 20, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Newt Gingrich will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Isaac Newton then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Sunday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A man connected with the number 53 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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