On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). On Sunday night you will dream of being Columbus. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Get the guys or girls around your place on Tuesday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Yogi Berra at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something about the number 95 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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