Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th June 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like John F. Kennedy, Jr., then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 26, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Shirley MacLaine will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Wednesday, the color red, the number 33 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 14. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Thomas Jefferson driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st June 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Louis Pasteur. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Tuesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The number 0 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Beethoven a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th June 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Sunday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Hanging out with a Scallop on Sunday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Thursday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 89 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 15. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing yellow. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th June 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 9, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Paul McCartney will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Eisenhower and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday, the color purple, the number 8 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Ronald Regan, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.