A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 9, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Paul McCartney will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Eisenhower and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. On Saturday, the color purple, the number 8 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Ronald Regan, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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