Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like John F. Kennedy, Jr., then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Friday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You will bump into a Mussel on Monday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 26, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Shirley MacLaine will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On Wednesday, the color red, the number 33 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 14. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Thomas Jefferson driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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