The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Should you wear pink on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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