Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like General Norman Schwarzkopf, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The number 21 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Mahatma Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Jesse Jackson a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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