This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Friday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Napoleon, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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