Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Avoid the number 60 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Elizabeth Dole, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
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