Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Something about the number 92 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A yellow car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
The number 19 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get the guys or girls around your place on Thursday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 73 feet, but no more than a mile. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Saturday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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