Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th April 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 54, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Something about the number 61 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 14 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th April 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Mark Twain. Does this matter? Only time will tell. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Sigourney Weaver, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Napoleon, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. On Monday, the color white, the number 82 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th April 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Norman Rockwell, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 86 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. On Sunday, the number 70 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Something involving the color red will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th April 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.