Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Tuesday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Monday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing green. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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