Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Steve Martin, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Hanging out with a Scallop on Thursday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Gloria Steinem at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 32, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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