Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Thomas Jefferson and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 99 feet, but no more than a mile. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Hank Aaron driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Susan B. Anthony, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Tom Brokaw a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
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